René Descartes

René Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says and vanishes in a puff of logic. [Source: unknown]

Jean-Paul Sartre

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of 'Being and Nothingness'.
He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."
The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?" [Source: unknown]

Grits

I know this English guy who was driving around in the South. And he stopped for breakfast one morning somewhere in southeast Georgia.
He saw "grits" on the menu. He'd never heard of grits so he asked the waitress, "What are grits, anyway?"
She said, "Grits are fifty."
He said, "Yes, but what _are_ they?"
She said, "They 're extra."
He said, "Yes, I'll have the grits, please." [Source: Laurie Anderson]

Mystic

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time. The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."
"Yes - so what?"
"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. "That little bottle - how does it know?" [Source: unknown]

Logic

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!" [Source: unknown]

Phrases without Logic?

  1. Act naturally
  2. Found missing
  3. Resident alien
  4. Genuine imitation
  5. Good grief
  6. Same difference
  7. Almost exactly
  8. Government organization
  9. Alone together
  10. Legally drunk
  11. Silent scream
  12. Living dead
  13. Business ethics
  14. Military Intelligence
  15. Software documentation
  1. New classic
  2. Sweet sorrow
  3. "Now, then ..."
  4. Clearly misunderstood
  5. Peace force
  6. Temporary tax increase
  7. Plastic glasses
  8. Terribly pleased
  9. Computer security
  10. Political science
  11. Pretty ugly
  12. Diet ice cream
  13. Working vacation
  14. Exact estimate
  15. Microsoft Works
  16. Family vacation

 

An oxymoron (oxymora) is a figure of speech that combines two normally contradictory terms. A long list can be found at Wikipedia

The Pope’s Surprise

Many years ago, a beloved Pope died and went to heaven. Saint Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."
St. Peter continued: "You are also granted an open-door policy and may, at your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader including the Father, without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?"
"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."
St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of humanity's relationship with God.
Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet of the library. Immediately several of the saints and angels came running.
They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over: "There's an 'R'. There's an 'R.' There's an 'R'... It's CELIBRATE, not celibate!" [Source: unknown]

Half Full or Half Empty?

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Common Sense?

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, when faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

 

A little Prayer?

Teacher : Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

The Difference Between Dogs And Cats

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me and take good care of me...THEY MUST BE GODS!!!!!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me and take good care of me....I MUST BE A GOD.