» Life on Mars … »

Cape Canaveral - NASA has just released its latest findings with regards to the single celled organisms purportedly found on an asteroid that crashed into earth many years ago.
They have found that, in fact, the organisms originated in Mars, but the truly shocking news is a hidden message in the DNA structure of the 'bug' that translates, roughly, into the following statement "Copyright Microsoft Bio-Engineering Division, Stardate 2132.9"

Needless to say, the scientific community has split into several camps, one saying the translation is incorrect and caused by a bug in Intel's new Pentium Pro chip, which was used to decode the mathematical algorithm in the DNA strand, another saying, basically, "See? It's all a conspiracy started by Bill Gates eons ago", and the last saying he's such a smart and succesful guy we should have expected a revelation like this a long, long time ago.

The spiritual camps have split as well, between those that believe this is proof that Mr. Gates is the antichrist, those that don't think there is any proof that he is real, and those that are just not sure.

Apple Computer's comment was that they had manufactured such an organism on Stardate 2132.8 and that the discovery was overrated, in fact they said their's was *not* a 'bug'.

Mr. Gates was not available for comment, Microsoft stock is up 3 1/2.

» Divert your course … »

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier USS LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north.
I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call!

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

Why God never Received Tenure at a University

Tenure refers to the academic tenure systems, in which professors (at university level) are granted the right not to be dismissed without cause after an initial probation (in other words: they got a paid job).

  1. Because He had only one major publication.
  2. And it was in Hebrew.
  3. And it had no cited references.
  4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
  5. And some even doubt He wrote it himself.
  6. It may be true that He created the world but what has he done since?
  7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
  8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
  9. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
  10. He expelled his first two students for learning.
  11. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
  12. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

[Source: unknown; supposedly based on a column in Ann Landers]

Reasons why He doesn't care:

  1. He's the boss.
  2. His only publication is still the most influential in the field, with millions of citations a year.
  3. Sure He didn't write it Himself, but with 12 grad students, would you?
  4. Disagree with Him, and you may end up in hell.
  5. Nobody can beat His 4.5 billion years of field work and 3.5 billion years of DNA expertise.
  6. His research facilities are simply the best: Even well funded scientists will admit they work in conditions which are "far from Heaven" when asked.

Inside every partygoer … » A very smart (and witty) description on what happens to your body and brain during a party:

9.05 pm: Ears detect no sound coming from behind door. Ooze stress hormones. Cancel: vision reports one other coat hanging in hall.

[…]

9.30: Conversation drying up. Reopen memory store, select holiday reminiscences ... anecdote #3. Not that one. Too late - send blood to cheeks, switch on sweat glands, contract zygomaticus muscles and display apologetic grin. Develop sudden thirst.

[…]

1.03: Prolonged mutual eye contact achieved. Dilate pupils. Approach. Cortex: run charm program.

[…]

2.00: Ears report a reduction in background noise. Switch sweat glands onto standby. Blood caffeine levels rising. Re-engage cerebral cortex. Run earnest conversation program. Retrieve the following topics from the archives: solutions to world's problems, gender differences, existence of God.

[…]

Read the whole story in the archives of the New Scientist » Inside every partygoer

» FOCUS Magazine Interview (1995) with Bill Gates … »

[…]

FOCUS:
But there are bugs an any version which people would really like to have fixed.

Bill Gates:
No! There are no significant bugs in our released software that any significant number of users want fixed.

FOCUS:
Oh, my God. I always get mad at my computer if MS Word swallows the page numbers of a document which I printed a couple of times with page numbers. If I complain to anybody they say "Well, upgrade from version 5.11 to 6.0".

Bill Gates:
No! If you really think there's a bug you should report a bug. Maybe you're not using it properly. Have you ever considered that?

FOCUS:
Yeah, I did ...

Here is the link to the source which also has a translation of the Focus Interview in Italiano, Espaρol, and Japanese.

[…]

 

A little Prayer?

Teacher : Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

The Difference Between Dogs And Cats

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me and take good care of me...THEY MUST BE GODS!!!!!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me and take good care of me....I MUST BE A GOD.

 

[Death Star Canteen » Lego Animation with Darth Vader » by Eddie Izzard]

 

Transcription of the video:

Eddie Izzard:But there must've been a Death Star canteen, yeah? There must've been a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill and go down:
Darth Vader: I will have the penne all'arrabiata.
Canteen Worker: You'll need a tray.
Darth Vader: Do you know who I am?
Canteen Worker: Do you know who I am?
Darth Vader: This is not a game of who the fuck are you. For I am Vader, Darth Vader, Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought.
Canteen Worker: Well, you'll still need a tray.
Darth Vader: No, I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force, which is strong within me. Even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished. For I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor.
Canteen Worker: No, the food is hot. You'll need a tray to put the food on.
Darth Vader: Oh, I see the food is hot. I'm sorry. I did not realise. Ha ha ha ha … oh … tray for the … yes. I thought you were challenging me for the fight to the death.
Canteen Worker: A fight to the death? This a canteen, I work here.
Darth Vader: Yes, but I am Vader. I am Lord Vader? Everyone challenges me to a fight to the death. Lord Vader? Darth Vader, I'm Darth Vader. Sir Lord Vader? Sir Lord Darth Vader? Lord Darth Sir Lord, Lord Vader of Cheem? Sir Lord Baron Von Vader Ham? The Death Star. I run the Death Star.
Canteen Worker: What's the Death Star?
Darth Vader: This is the Death Star! You're in the Death Star! I run this star!
Canteen Worker: This is a star?
Darth Vader: This is a fucking star! I run it! I'm your boss.
Canteen Worker: You're Mr. Stevens?
Darth Vader: No, I'm … who is Mr. Stevens?
Canteen Worker: He's Head of Catering.
Darth Vader: I'm not Head of Catering! I am Vader, I can kill catering with a thought.
Canteen Worker: Wha'?
Darth Vader: I can kill you all! I can kill me with a thought! Just … fine, I'll get a tray, fuck it. This one's wet, and this one's wet and this one's wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. Did you dry these in a rainforest? Why, with the power of the Death Star do we not have a tray that is fucking dry? I do not … no, no, no! I was here first!
Other guy: You have to form a queue if you want food. Can I have, uh … ooo, penne all'arrabiata. That'd be very nice.
Darth Vader: No, no, no! Do you know who I am?
Other guy: That's Jeff Vader that is!
Darth Vader: I am not Jeff Vader, I am Darth Vader.
Other guy: What? Jeff Vader runs the Death Star?
Darth Vader: No, Jeff … no, I run the Death Star.
Other guy: You Jeff Vader?
Darth Vader: No, I'm Darth Vader.
Other guy: Are you his brother? Could you get his autograph?
Darth Vader: I can't get his … no, I'm Jeff … all right, I'm Jeff Vader! I'm Jeff Vader!
Other guy: Could I have your autograph?
Darth Vader: No, fuck off or I'll kill you with a tray! Give me penne all'arrabiata or you shall die! And you and everyone in this canteen! Death by tray it shall be!
Canteen Worker: Do you want peas with that?
Darth Vader: Peas! You don't have peas! You can't put in right in … you can't put …it doesn't work with penne! Unless you push 'em up the penne tubes and then it'd be weird! Oh, all right! Put some peas in.